How have I become this person that doesn't follow her own values? I've wanted to update and renovate my home for all the 5 years I have lived in it. You know; make it my space but, nooo... I got caught up in playing. There was always an awesome day to fish, a hunt I was drawn for, someone to help financially, something cool and updated to buy, a problem with the truck, etc... Excuses, excuses. It is sad the driving force behind my excuses is my boyfriend. Trips to Las Vegas even took precedence over my grandmother's need for firewood.
Yes, I love doing the things I have been doing while I am doing them but, after, I have no lasting satisfaction from them. I still have to come home to my disorganized, seriously begging for a renovation, home and I still have to see the stress of my family trying to keep up with their affairs.
After going through the past few years following my boyfriend's lifestyle like a nitwit monkey of a girl, I am in search of all the values that made me feel whole once upon a time. I am refinancing my home. I've replaced my disgusting carpet with wooden floors and my bland PVC trim with detailed wooden trim. I am ripping down a wall and replacing it with a counter/bar. I've helped my mother catch up with her truck payments. All in one week I feel chunks of my Being coming back together.
Where is my boyfriend fitting in all of this? After all these years of conditioning me to be the perfect girl for him, I'm back to old habits he thought he had weaned me of. He told me they were not conducive to a successful life. Well, those habits brought me far in life. When I dropped them it seemed my life had come to a stand still. Or should I say the past 5 years I have felt it was "one step forward, two steps back"?
Let's just say he is not too happy about it and will not participate in my attempt to fulfill my values. He taught me to to use the table saw, circular saw, and reciprocating saw. He bought the counter top. Other than that, he removes himself from the scene. He is hunting right now. I am at work. My house is sitting waiting for us again. On his next days off, he is going to Laughlin, Nevada with his bromance to see the SCORE Desert Racing Challenge.
My appraisal is scheduled for next Friday. He already knows how important it is to me. I won't prevent him from going on his trips because I believe the guy should be able to balance his priorities and make his own decisions. I've voiced my wants and that is all I can do. If he can't contribute to my life what use do I have for him? If all men need to be told exactly what to do, will I ever really need to be with one?
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